just breathe with me.

I now reside in New South Wales.
I survived the drive across the country; in fact, it wasn't as bad as I predicted. The worst part of moving was definitely leaving three of our animals. When we took the cats to the vet/shelter I couldn't help but start crying in the waiting room when I was holding Amy. She was so scared and so was I. So yes, I cried...a lot. Twas a worthy thing to cry about though.
We found out yesterday that Amy was adopted to a good home, but Emma went sort of crazy after two days and started attacking everyone and everything. They had to put her down. I feel terrible about it. At least she's not in a cage anymore.
Then there's always other unhappy things going on, but I'd rather not focus on them.

We're in a beautiful new place where the people are nice, it rains, and the plants are green. I have a few new drawings to paint and I have unlimited new places and ideas to make into videos. I have my own room now, with a computer and a desk big enough to do all my artwork on. I can also fit my keyboard in here; I will be able to play more, learn more, and develop something worth listening to. I have new music and new literature to enjoy. I am provided for in every way.
I also have amazing friends.

Gahh okay, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but right now...honestly I feel like crap and the above was an attempt at positive thinking. When you're unhappy...you're unhappy. It's pretty hard to convince yourself not to feel the way you do.
So many opportunities and things that I've wanted for years are just out of my reach, and they are being held there by people with fears; I am one of these people with fears, but I can get over them. I can't make this other person grow past her fears and actually see the world through them. I'm so frustrated, I have not felt so angry in a very long time. I just want to tear down everything and breathe.

I need to throw myself into art.

I'm moving next week; Thursday. Moving truck is coming on Monday. I think my computer desk is being taken apart tomorrow so this is one of my final chances to post a blog!
I'm feeling a bit sick inside these past few weeks. I feel bad about my animals, excited about moving, scared about starting somewhere new, and worried about my family. At the moment I'm trying to have faith. Change is scary, but the scariest thing in this world would be to stay here and grow completely stagnant; to give up on the notion of actually living.

I'm going to be away from the internet for a while; probably until the end of November. We're driving for a week to New South Wales, and then our things aren't going to arrive for another week or so. It's going to feel strange being away for so long. The internet is my life at the moment o_o I might get on a few times though, hopefully!
Maybe it'll be good for me. I don't have to think about everything that's happening online, and I can just focus on writing or drawing without feeling the need to check the internet constantly.

I do know that things are going to be very busy for a while once we get over there. It makes me want to sleep.

I'll talk to you all later; when everything is different! I miss you already <3

I've wasted a lot of days. So unmotivated. I'm sure that once we're finished moving and settled I'll feel fresh and inspired; surrounded by a new place and new people. At the moment I'm stagnant. I have no desire to film, write or draw. My mind is just kind of grey; nothing exciting happening up there. Clouds maybe.
I feel so worried lately! I need to stop worrying about things that I can't control, really, it's so draining and pointless.

Now, I've had a fine day...but I feel like something is wrong! Like there's a knot in my stomach. Nothing is out of the ordinary, and nothing unpleasant has happened. So it's a bit strange. My legs and hands also feel weak. I have a feeling the knot might have something to do with the feeling that I'm drifting away from people, again. It seems like after I get to a certain point in friendships, they start to get weak. I run out of things to say constantly, and feel awkward in conversation. Then I just start to avoid talking to people because of this lack of things to say.
Eventually there's virtually no friendship left. I don't want that to happen.

On a different note, I finished this painting a few days ago. I had done the drawing months ago but only just got around to painting it. I hope you like it...

I named it 'Lost,Lights' and to me, it's about being somewhere strange and new...but having something sort of comforting there that makes things okay. There's light everywhere.

I feel sort of distressed lately. Like I need someone to explain the world to me and give me a step by step guide on how to deal with everything. How to feel okay. How to motivate myself. How to not be lonely. Yeah. I'm probably just being dramatic and wollowing because I'm upset about my animals and I'm a little scared. It's been so long since we've moved and I have to get used to being in civilization again O_O
Turns out that we're probably driving to New South Wales. So that's like a week straight of driving. ahhh.

So yes. My cats are in need of an adoptive home since we can't take them. If we don't find them a home they'll end up at the local vet/shelter and they put animals down if they're not adopted in a few weeks =( They won't be adopted cause they aren't kittens. I put up a flyer thing at the shopping center so hopefully someone will be interested. I feel so terrible about this. Like I'm abandoning them and they trust me to take care of them.

I have been super lazy lately. It makes me sad. Is it really so hard to pick up the freaking paint brush and smear some colours on this paper? It seems so.
I did make a new video though! So there's that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiJ4VVs3wiI

Whenever anything bad happens that I can't control I usually go and lay on my bed for a while, or stare blankly at the computer not really wanting to do anything...just sitting at the desk because it's familiar and comforting. Then I clean. I iron clothes, straighten my room or scrub the bathroom. It's just the natural response for some reason. I occupy myself with something simple that doesn't require me to be in a stable state of mind. It also serves to keep me from wallowing and thinking too much.

Yeah, I just did a ton of ironing.

*sips coke*
om nom nom.

I haven't blogged in over a week! I'm a horrible blog-updater. I'm sorry. I have been quite busy with the illustration for Shawna which I finished yesterday, yay! So now I'm tackling the task of trying to take a perfect picture of it (since it's going to be on abook, so it can't just be an average picture haha) which is proving to be difficult. I need to call the library again today and ask them if their A3 photocopier does scans. So there's that. Oh! I forgot to post a blog about this...but I did a little video that had some footage of me working on this painting! So here's a link to that if you haven't seen it =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j60TgIZhKVI
I have over 80 subscribers on teh youtubes now! \o/

In other news, I have been even more anti-social than usual lately. I can never think of anything to say when I'm talking to people, so I've been avoiding conversation altogether. >_>

However, October has been quite awesome in that my favorite youtuber is doing a video every day of this month (VEDO). It's awesome and I think you guys should check it out. There's a perfect balance between artistic videos and the more funny ones. So yes, have this linkage:
http://www.youtube.com/user/corporalcadet

Here, have a little snapshot of the finished painting! I shall be uploading the whole thing on Deviant Art later once I get my 'perfect picture' and I'll give you all a link ^_^

I'm just sitting in semi-darkness, drinking tea, listening to music, and talking to people on the other side of the planet...the usual. Feeling rather bored and unmotivated these past few days. I dislike when I get this way. I hate wasting time. Ah well, hopefully my mind will wake up tomorrow.

I made a new video a few days ago. It's basically a goodbye to my town. Tis just something I felt that I really needed to do. The footage looks beautiful and I'm really happy that I chose to be patient and wait for the perfect time of day to film this. Though I always seem to cringe watching any video I make that has my voice in it. u_u It would be awesome if I had a really nice voice to listen to...like Cate Blanchett *sigh*
Yes, I have been watching a lot of Lord of the Rings lately haha.
Here's a link to the video so you can watch and leave me comments! haha, well, that is if you want to and haven't already =P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_LWTxd5Pcg

I hope that we'll find out a definite moving date soon.
Waiting is getting to me a little.

I forsee my painting and drawing being a bit neglected for a little while. The other day I bought a beautiful HD camera. It's a Canon Legria HF200 and I love it. Just having it around is stimulating the part of my brain that deals with video ideas. I made my first video with it yesterday just to see how my computer would handle the footage. Though, the quality isn't at it's best in this video due to crappy lighting and me not understanding the camera enough yet. Still, I'm really happy with it!
Here's a link if you're interested. My pasty white legs make an appearance! woot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk65yQVg11U

After nearly 6 years of living in this tiny, isolated town...my dad has accepted a job on the other side of Australia! We'll be moving to New South Wales, to a small city that is about 2 and a half hours away from Sydney. Not sure when we'll be moving exactly since all the details have not yet been worked out...but I'M MOVING. This is such a big deal. I have been waiting for this for so long...I can proceed with life once we're out of here. I think I'll probably cry some happy tears when we drive out of this place for the last time.

Sometimes I start thinking about things that are far too big; I contemplate questions that have no answers and struggle with the fact that some things really are unexplainable. I have been thinking about God lately, and what I believe in. It's something that I still haven't quite figured out. I just know that I do believe that someone or something is there to help me through hard times and help me see the beauty in existence. Maybe that something is just some powerful part of the soul or maybe it is an entity. I'll never know, but I am grateful.

I don't have any new art to share today, but I do have some art related news! Shawna and I are working on a the composition for a drawing (that I shall be painting soon), and it could end up being the illustration on the cover of her book! I'm a big fan of her writing and I'm excited to buy a copy of this when it's released. Even if my painting doesn't end up being the cover, this has been a really valuable experience. Working with another person, and trying to achieve something that reflects their work and also my style. Discussing where everything should go and working in stages; changing things and challenging myself.
We've been talking pretty much twice a day, everyday for the past week and I have not worked this hard on a piece since high school haha. I'm really excited to see how this turns out.

So yes, now you all know that I have not just been lazing around and neglecting my arts ;)

I'm so inconsistent, especially with my moods. Today I do not feel happy, and I wish more than anything that I had my internet friends here. Even that thought seems to make feel a bit sad though since it seems as though I'm drifting away from my online friends now as well as my 'real life' friends. I'm tired of seeing the girl who used to be my best friend around, sharing a hug that doesn't mean anything, and then remembering how close we were as she leaves and I serve customers. I only ever see her when I'm working. Speaking of which, this job is breaking my spirit. That's all I will say about it because no-one wants to hear me complain about that miserable place!

This is probably a slightly odd thing to admit, but I really just want to be held. I feel so insecure and scared about everything lately, and it would be comforting to be wrapped up in someone's arms. Someone who cared about me, and who I cared about in return. Warm and safe.
Someday, someday.

When I got home today I saw that someone left a comment on my youtube just saying 'You inspire me.' I teared up a little, not going to lie. =)

Hmmm, I feel better now.

I've just realised that I haven't even blogged about my new video! This is bad, since so much awesome stuff has been happening with that in the past two days. So I somehow managed to get around the creative block I've been suffering from and create a video that I'm hapy with. It took me most of a day, but twas very worth it =)
My friend Shawna (AKA Nanalew) who has quite a following on youtube, liked my video. This is a big deal for me since before I even started talking to her as a friend I was a huge fan of her videos. She decided to put my video on autoplay on her youtube channel whih is freaking AMAZING fo her and I'm so grateful. Because of her I now have 27 subscribers (which is a big deal for me) and am number 66 most viewed in Australia for today, and number 11 most viewed in Australia today for directors! \o/
So without further ado, here's a link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W47wQk9U8G4

I also would strongly advise any of you that don't already know of Nanalew to check out her channel. She's a really amazing girl and her work is awesome. I shall link you to my favorite of her videos and you can go from there ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGk6lsweqlE

Oh! Since I'm at it, I'd also like to suggest that you all check out Cohenism. He is one of the funniest people I have yet to encounter on youtube. It's actually very rare for me to find something on the internet that will make me laugh out loud, but this person does, so yes...definitely worth looking into haha.
Linkage: http://www.youtube.com/user/Cohenism

In other news, I find out in the next few days if I managed to win anything in this art competition that I entered! *crosses fingers*

That is all for today m'loves. Hope you're all well =)

Things have a bit dramatic this past week. My family is a bit crazy sometimes. Things have settled down a tiny bit and now we're waiting on a concrete yes or no regarding a job in New South Wales that my dad has been offered and wants to take. My parents are being flown over there in a few weeks to talk it over with the company. I'm really, really hoping it works out. I need to get out of this town, and the place we would be moving sounds really beautiful.

It's hard to believe that this is the longest I've ever lived in one place. It's going to feel a little weird moving. I'm out of practice haha. Though, getting out of this town will be overwhelmingly positive all round, so I can handle a little bit of nerves regarding the actual moving part. It is a long way. All the way to the other side of the country!

I haven't done anything creative in what feels like forever. Mainly because my inspiration has been a bit squashed by all the negative energy around this house lately. Though, I do feel that need to create and express myself growning inside again. Pretty soon it shall be too much to contain and something will emerge. It cannot be helped. I love that part of me; the part that is just pure artist.

I'm in one of my extreme self doubting moods at the moment.
I hate this so much. Everything is hopeless when I lose faith in my dreams and my ability to achieve them. My worst fear is literally failing to do what I aspire to do in life. If I cannot be an artist I really cannot imagine living. There is nothing else. Sure I could survive, but I do not want to just survive. I want to be happy.

I really need to hurry up and go study art. I need to be better so I can stop this doubt.

Also, I've made a pretty awesome new friend lately. Kind of helps me in dealing with all the friends that have seemed to drift out of my life recently. Still there, but not really. The connections seem so weak and when I try to talk to them they just don't hold up the conversation anymore. Though at the same time, there's a lot of friends who I just don't get to talk to much thanks to work and timezones...but we're still close at heart ;)

So yes, I made a new video. I was pretty sad and I made this to cheer me up. It's fairly positive =)
Link! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkPW5uhrsjE

With my art, usually the meaning behind a painting only really arises when I'm halfway through creating it. Mostly, I don't draw something with a particular moral or message in mind, it just comes through when I'm putting it together.
(bigger >>http://bit.ly/49TxnA)

I named this 'I forgot to keep some for myself'
The story that came about with this painting is about living to make other people happy. You give away all you have. To me, red balloons have a special meaning; they have a lot to do with believeing and dreams. He gave them away.
Who is to bring some happy to the clown? That's his role. So what now?

Now in reality, I don't believe that making other people happy will make you unhappy...quite the opposite really. I'm not sure where these concepts come from. My subconcious is a strange place.

It's 11.11 AM and I don't know what to wish for.

I finished my clown painting! Took me long enough.

This is a lil preview since I can't take a proper picture until tomorrow. I need natural light and it is nightime. I'm really happy with how this turned out. It has reminded me that I really need to get back into doing art more often. I remember the time when I was finishing a painting every day. O_O Though, to be fair, I have a job now...so that gets in the way a bit.

Speaking of my job; it's not so bad lately. The job itself still sucks, it's uninteresting and doesn't pay enough, but being there hasn't been terrible. I'm friends with some of the ladies I work with and they give me less hours now (as I had orginally wanted). I get a big hug everyday from one of my co-workers and there's one person there who's a bit mean and doesn't like anyone...but she likes me for some reason. I am amused. Mainly I just like that I can sleep in now haha. I don't start work until 1 or 2 on most days =)

I feel really good today. Though the people who made me feel this nice probably don't realize it. I love when I'm cought off guard by something pleasant! hehe, pleasant is such a soft sounding word.

Anyways...proper pictures of the painting shall be posted tomorrow! Unless I get lazy. Which is not unlikely.

I hate when I start laughing and physically CANNOT stop, and I'll be crying from laughing so hard, and I can't stop for long enough to tell everyone what is so funny...It's usually just something in my head. I am ridiculous.