just breathe with me.

I'm probably listening to my music too loud, considering that the window is open. Poor neighbors. I'm sorry, I just really like my speakers. I bought them at the same time as I got this lovely new laptop (which was worth every penny). It was so freaking amazing being able to edit a video on here without the program crashing constantly and lagging so badly that I can't even tell where my cuts are haha.
I edited this vlog on here, and it was the fastest I've ever been able to edit anything; so awesome. Though, the footage did take a really long time to save to the computer. I think that's just because I filmed quite a bit, and on the highest quality. Anyways, here's the video!

I'm pretty sure this is my favorite vlog I've done. Super happy with it.

Also, here's a link to my ebay items that I mentioned in the video. I'm really excited to see how these paintings do!
http://tinyurl.com/yjkcd9r
They both have about 4 days and 5 hours left until the end of the auction *thumbs up*

I'm so freaking tired today, but I'm trying to stay awake until a decent hour rather than taking a nap now and not being able to sleep at all later tonight. I've also been feeling slightly crappy due to loneliness and lack of job-ness. Everytime I spend money I feel guilty because I don't have any more money coming in to make up for what I'm spending. I also feel guilty that I can't help my family out with money. I've applied to everywhere I can think of and no one has called. I hate the fact that all the big stores make people apply online now, I doubt they'll ever see my application amongst the hundreds of others; but they won't accept an application in person. ugh. Sorry all I talk about is not having a job, it just gets to me =(

Today I did my first blogtv show, and although it was super short (thanks to my mum deciding we had to go shopping an hour earlier than I had prepared for) I really liked it. The lovely people who came were super nice, and didn't hate me for being a noob! =) I'm excited to do another one! I've been wanting to do a show for a long time, but I was always too nervous to sit down and do it haha.

I'm listening to Regina Spektor and my dog is howling somewhere underneath the house. I have this urge to just watch 'Titanic' over and over; I watched it last week, and yesterday evening while I was painting. I get like this sometimes with certain movies, I just think about them constantly and feel like I need them to be playing to keep me company.

Art is becoming slightly easier to create lately. I'm not struggling as much for ideas, and I'm drawing pretty much everyday. I even came up with something to paint on the big canvas I bought around 6 months ago; I keep looking at it and feeling bad that I can't draw anything on it. I did this quick painting the other day. I painted first, thought after. Something I should try more often. It was really enjoyable and perfectly captured the emotions I had been holding.

It's called 'Fear/Nausea'

I've decided I'm going to sell some original paintings. Just the ones that I don't want to make prints of. I'll be doing that as soon as I decide whethere to use Etsy or Ebay to sell them. Ebay's good because the price has the potential to go higher, but then there's also the chance I won't get what I want for it at all. Etsy is just a set price, but if I use that then I have to decide what I think my art is worth which is hard; I don't want to overcharge or sell myself short. What do you guys think I should do?

In other news, tomorrow will be a productive day. Not really today though, because my dad is home and I can't do most of the things I want to do with him around.

I finished a new painting! Pretty happy with how it turned out. There are a few technical/proportional things that I noticed were off once it was too late to fix them, but it's okay! She makes me think of the ocean on a really cold and rainy day. Which coincidentally, is where I was today. Most of the picture was done before that though.
I called it 'Cold and Soft'



I also have a few new video ideas kicking around in my head, but I'm not quite ready to make them yet. I'm not feeling in too much of a hurry either since I put up a video a little while ago. I didn't actually blog about it, so here's a link for anyone who hasn't seen it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud50NUYZirM
In it, I talk about some of my favorites.

I'm glad that with art and videos I'm getting a bit better at not putting off working on them, however, the same cannot be said for the rest of the things in my life. I've been putting so much stuff off. Not anything that I absolutely must get done, but stuff that I know I should do, and I keep telling myself I will. Like going and getting my learners permit (again, since I had it in Western Australia but have to start over here), or even booking the test so I can get it, and just little stuff like going for a bike ride and getting better scans of my artwork so I can start selling prints. I hate putting stuff off, but I just can't seem to make myself stop. All I can do is make sure the big list of crap I'm putting off is in front of me on the desk so I have to feel bad until I do it!

I'm hoping there will be more jobs becoming available soon now that holidays are well and truly over, and all the kids have gone back to school. Sitting at home is really getting me down. Also, the feeling of guilt I get anytime I spend money is getting really old. I honestly feel bad about spending when I have no income, the amount I have saved doesn't matter, nor does the amount I'm spending. Ahh. I really just need to have a reason to leave the house. There's a whole world out there and I'm hiding out in my room, feeling completely seperate from it.

Generally though, things are pretty okay with me I think, despite my complaining haha.

I was going to talk about the ocean today, but my camera is being a jerk and won't give me my pictures, so...that's a blog for another day! =)

I drew this about a week ago. It's Elizabeth Cruikshank from 'The Other Side of You'. Well, my interpretation of her anyways. She's such a quite, delicate character, in so much pain. She moves me so much when I read this book, and I wanted to put it on paper.
The two bells around her neck are for the two lost loved ones of the main charaters. It was as if they could ring this tiny little bell, and summon forth the spirits of those they had lost. It didn't really happen in the book, but that's how I felt when I read it.



I've been trying to do a lot of quick messy sketches for the past few days. I'm trying not to care how bad they are; I just want to stop avoiding art.

It's funny how a whole bunch of really crappy stuff can be happening in your life, but having a crush can make you happy still. So simple, so nice.
What also makes me happy is music. I'm trying to expand my collection of more lighthearted and happy feeling music, because I really don't have enough. Though most of my music makes me feel good...most of it isn't inherently 'happy'. Finishing projects cheers me up too, and I did that today. A new video! Totally not what I had in mind for my next one, but the idea came to me after sitting in the car for over an hour listening to music and looking out the window at the really beautiful landscape around me. The land is definitely inspirational to me. I'm a little country child at heart.

I want to start living my life better. I'm so tired of wasting my days and not taking advantage of the time I have. There's no guarantee that I'm going to be alive next week; there's no guarantee that anyone will be. I just keep telling myself that someday I'll do all the things that I want to do; someday I'll start living. Someday's not good enough, and I know it, but I don't know how to start living now. I feel like there's so much stopping me. Mainly family related stuff, but also just the world in general; it's too big, and I'm just me.

The only thing I'm really making sure to do right now is youtube and art related stuff, but that's not enough. I don't spend my whole day doing those things. I spend my day hanging around my house and playing around on the internet because I don't have a job, or anywhere to go, or anyone to go to. There's a lot of stuff that's probably going to change soon with my family, so I'm not even really trying that hard to set down roots. A part of me is really scared, but I'm starting to feel kind of distant from the whole situation. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I just want to be better than okay, and I know that it's up to me to make that happen.

Honestly, right now the thing that sounds most appealing to me is packing up a few bags of stuff, getting on a plane, and going to the other side of the planet.

 

I'm working on a painting; I'm really happy about this. I started this piece about a week ago, semi-ruined it, and haven't touched it since. It's been haunting me haha. So today I gathered my strength and began the task of saving it. It's for the guys in Last Days of Empire. I really want it to turn out well, because they mean a lot to me.
Here's a crappy quality progress shot I took for dailybooth: http://dailybooth.com/maryvangils/2617532#comments

Lately I've had such a hard time motivating myself to get things done. Being able to make videos again is helping though. It's probably the creative pursuit that I find easiest, so it helps to get the creativity flowing and remind me how good it feels to finish something. I'm definitely plannning to make a lot more videos now than I used to, now that I have a new editing program and am slowly losing my fear of looking stupid on camera.
Here's the newest video I made!

There's also another one on my channel that I filmed whilst taking a walk with my sisters =)

Anyways, I shall get back to painting now. I feel good. There's a breeze coming in my window and my mind is calm for the first time in a while.

Why can't my life be calm? Why can't it be normal?
Sometimes the answer evades me, but right now it's perfectly clear. Well...there's two answers really.
There is no such thing as normal. No-one life is 'normal' and calm. Even if it seems that way from an outside point of view, I guarantee that everyone has some sort of probelm or distubance in their life right now. It's comforting to realise this; no-one is alone.
The second answer is that it's so much harder to be inspired when everything is okay, for me at least. So I have to be grateful for the things that make my life a bit harder, because they fuel so many painting, writing and video ideas...it's incredible. I don't think I would be half the artist I am if I was completely happy. I doubt there is a single great artist that has had no issues, who hasn't experienced something extremely emotionally intense, or felt completely hopeless. I haven't had enough hard times yet to be truely great, but I'm realising that wishing away difficulties and emotionally testing times is stupid. I need them; this is the human experience.

I'm so full of doubts.
They're consuming me right now, and I need to shake them off. I rely way too much on other people to help me do this; to give me some sense of assurance. I'm constantly seeking approval from people around me, but now that's not even enough. I'm so afraid of failing with my art and writing. I can't imagine doing anything else.
I need to create something great before I'll be able to quiet the fears for a while.

A small extract from my novel, 'Dismal'. I'm editing it and I keep finding parts I want to share!


"During the day, I try to avoid clocks. I hate the way that little hand just keeps moving even when it feels like time isn’t. It’s scary how it keeps ticking when the world is asleep. I cannot rest when I think about it. I feel a slight sense of guilt, because every second that passes is a moment of my life that I can never recover. Yet here I am, doing nothing…waiting, wasting.

I shut my eyes because I am so tired…tired of thinking and doubting. This whole world is such an exhausting place. Everyone is always struggling and working and trying so hard to find anything that makes sense. I don’t even know what I’m thinking about anymore. Maybe it’s the way that the music doesn’t work for me, and my job isn’t anything, and my brother hurts, and my friend hates his father, and people hardly ever smile with their eyes and Sevan does, and she’s not here right now. I’ll keep waiting though. She will come back. It’s only been a few days.

My eyes are so heavy and so are my thoughts.

I start to fall asleep, somehow. There’s such a huge build up of fatigue, and it seems to rush over me all of a sudden as I breathe in and out, lying on the ground where things used to be perfect. The sleep blankets everything in a layer of fog, even all of my thoughts manage to slow and fade. I don’t know how to fight it off, and I don’t really want to. For now, sleeping will be enough."